I'm moving.

I never thought this would happen. I'm leaving. My dad found a job in Trenton, New Jersey and we need it. We'll be staying where my aunt lives until we can find a home. But as soon as we can...we're out.












Just kidding, actually. Terribly sorry to anyone who actually believed that. I'm actually moving to another blog website. This one cramps my style.

Here's the URL:
http://oceanofhisgrace.wordpress.com/

Bye bye blogger.

~j

I don't understand why everything that is happening needs to happen in the most excruciatingly painful way possible.

Ode to Summer

Well, summer is over in about 7 hours.  

Through...

...what seemed like endless days of stagnancy and stumbling backwards

heartache and tears that fall like rain

hollow laughs and smiles

determination in its purest form

the experience of a LIFETIME

horrifying situations

a God I will live for

the way I have been changed

heartbreak and dead ends

depression in a family

set backs and fears

knowing how it feels to be alone

and pretending that it's all right

the hardest struggle of standing up again

depending on God like oxygen

doubts and worries

nightly cries and screams in darkness

waking up in the middle of the night thinking until the sun rises

praising my Lord no matter what comes my way

empty pens and an entire notebook of thoughts and prayers of this summer

friends that are truly there, not just for show

music speaking to me like nothing else

discovering a passion

goodbyes and changes

quiet rooms and empty houses

holding on to family

each day being a challenge

knowing that one day I will be all right...

this has been one heck of a summer.

~j

VOTD:

For great is your love, reaching to the heavens; your faithfulness reaches to the skies.

Psalm 57:10

Sometimes, it's so necessary to let go of everything that has happened. Letting it all slip away for just a few minutes can be so relieving. I was doing the dishes last night, home alone, and Billy Jean came on the radio. I grabbed a soup ladle and I danced around my kitchen like crazy. Hahaha it was great.  I seriously forgot everything that has happened, everything I struggle with and the problems that keep coming up and got to sing Michael Jackson as loud as I could. 

~j

VOTD:

The LORD is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the LORD.

Lamentations 3:25-26

In the past few weeks...

I have realized why there are so many songs written about love or falling in love.

I have also realized why there are so many songs written about losing love.

I have realized that it's for the better. I have realized that the disease got in the way.

I didn't realize how much it was killing you.

I have also realized that you should NEVER EVER EVER drive with flip-flops on. And you should never ever freeze in fear with your foot gunning the gas.

All i got for now.

~j

Just stab me in the heart and twist it, why don't you? I think it would hurt less.

Bizarre.

After LINK crew today, I happened to hear the marching band around the corner. I ran over to the other side of the school to watch. I saw the drum majors conducting. I saw my...their...band directors scanning the field. I heard the music. I heard the low winds, the clarinets, the trumpets. I watched their marching technique. I watched the freshmen. I watched their eyes moving. I watched them wrap up their first song. I watched them huddle together before hurrying inside to avoid the rain. Hannah noticed me and waved. I watched them all talk to each other, laugh and lug in their instruments, water bottles, folders. I stood there until everyone went inside.

I feel like I'm on the outside of this bubble. It's a nice, unfazed bubble. I watch everyone else follow their passion unhindered. I guess God is going to lead me down a different road. As a recent devotional said, I'm clinging on to this penny while God is trying to show me all of the gold He has in store. But for the time being, it's frustrating to be on the outside when I feel like I'm going nowhere.

Dear soon-to-be Freshmen,

Can you...not...go to college? Would you mind just living in my mailbox or something? I would bring you meals and snacks all the time. The mailman wouldn't mind either.

~j

Thinking.

So I was thinking a little bit during dinner...A little realization of my own self. Actually, not little.

Throughout these months, when I was in day treatment or residential, I would look around at those beautiful, beautiful girls and wonder what on earth in their life could lead them to an eating disorder. I would think that they are too gorgeous to deserve it. Not only were they so pretty, they were such sweet people ready to give support out to others. It hurts my heart to see such beautiful women there wrapped in such an evil thing. 

Then when people would say 'Well, you're in the same boat!' I would immediately react 'Well, no, I'm not. I'm different.'

When I would see a picture of myself with my friends, I always felt like I stuck out, like an ugly duckling. People would say 'This is so cute!' and I would think 'They're obviously being polite and not commenting about me; no one would say that out loud. I'm different.'

Looking back at district, regional and state choir (and eastern regionals to come), people look at Souderton and say 'You guys are AMAZING! And you two that are going to eastern regionals!' I never give myself credit or thank them or anything. I think, 'I have absolutely no idea how I got this far; it's obvious that they made a mistake. I'm different.'

...Even at church, when we talk about God's love, how amazingly perfect it is and how He loves each of us unconditionally no matter what we ever do. And I think 'Except me. I've made so many mistakes in my life, it's utterly impossible that anyone could ever forgive me.'

So...I think I should give myself a little credit. After all, this whole recovery process is about stretching out of my comfort zone right?

Hello. I'm Jenny.

I am beautiful. No matter what size I was or what I am now.

I love to sing, and I am going to the Eastern State Choir Festival because the Lord has blessed me with a voice.

God. Loves. ME. No matter what I have done.

Is this society that fills this in our brain, that we're different in the ugly duckling way? Do others feel this way? Why are we basically force fed information about ourselves by others? 

Thoughts. Got lot of time to think.

~j

VOTD:

We have different gifts, according to the grace given us. If a man's gift is prophesying, let him use it in proportion to his faith. ⁷If it is serving, let him serve; if it is teaching, let him teach; ⁸if it is encouraging, let him encourage; if it is contributing to the needs of others, let him give generously; if it is leadership, let him govern diligently; if it is showing mercy, let him do it cheerfully.

Romans 12:6-8

Cause we’re so scared to find out
What this life’s all about
So scared we’re going to lose it
Not knowing all along
That’s exactly what we need

And today I will trust you with the confidence
Of a girl who’s never known defeat
But tomorrow, upon hearing what I did
I will stare at you in disbelief
Oh, inconsistent me
Crying out for consistency

And you said I know that this will hurt
But if I don’t break your heart then things will just get worse
If the burden seems too much to bear
Remember: The end will justify the pain it took to get us there

...And you promise me
That you believe
In time I will defeat this
Cause somewhere in me
There is strength

If it's a broken heart then face it.

Hang on
Help is on the way
Stay strong
I'm doing everything.

VOTD:

Psalm 77

I'm broken.

I have never hated so much of me before.

Trusting God is so difficult, but I KNOW that He will bring me comfort and peace. And that is all I can rely on, really.

Dear ED,

I be going to Poland. I refuse to let you come in between me living for my Lord. I am going to have a freakin fantastic time being His hands and feet and ignoring what you say. So SUCK. IT.

Love,
me

Spin me around again and rub my eyes

Divisi-Hide and Seek. Listen. 

It's incredible when music physically changes the way your body works, like your heart syncing up to the beat, the goosebumps that don't go away, the tears in your eyes, the energy that courses your veins...what a thrill something as simple as circles in lines on paper that can change our life. 

~j

VOTD:

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Matthew 6:34

I want to run again. I miss that feeling.

I want God to 180 my life. Please.

I want Poland. I don't want this to stop me.

Gaining weight is so scary. So so so so so scary.

I want the people I can talk to back.



I wish everything could settle.

I hate not knowing. I hate being helpless, not knowing what this muggy future holds.

I'm scared. I know that I failed. I did not reach the goal that I have been working my tail off for. It kills me.

And to not know what is next...

I know that God's plan will work out, but when will I be able to see it?

~j

Happy 4th :)

Yesterday was sort of amazing. 

 Last night, Carter and I decided to go outside and star gaze around 10:30. We took out beach towels and laid down in my backyard. It was...incredible. Stars beat any fireworks ANY day. He told me about one of his analogies of the stars that he has used since he was younger.

Night is nothing but a dark, dark blanket thrown over the sky. The stars are little pinprick holes in the blanket, and the light is heaven. Stars are pieces of heaven shining through to give us on earth a good taste of what heaven will be like.

We also saw LOADS of shooting stars. I first thought they were all planes, but they were too fast and were lacking blinking lights. So beautiful. 

How amazing is our world! Every little thing in our earth can be broken down to the finest details, which even then are FASCINATING. Think about...the air. What is air? A combination of elements, like nitrogen, hydrogen, oxygen, etc. What do we use it for? Duh, breathing. How do we breathe in these elements? The ones we need are dissolved into our blood stream. The ones we don't need are released back into the air. The air is made up of SO many things and yet we can't even feel it if we tried. It has billions upon billions of atoms dancing at the speed of a shotgun bullet, constantly surrounding us. And this is just AIR. Think of how many billions of THINGS are world is made of, and breaking down something that seems so simple, AIR...the details are fascinating.

I love God moments like these. :)

~j

VOTD:

"Through him all things were made; without him nothing was made that has been made." 

John 1:3

Those Small Moments

It's the few seconds, or even the minute of your day that can turn you around and take your breath away.

That sounds like a poem. :]

This evening, I was cleaning up the kitchen and my brother Brian and his fiance were packing up. Kristie asked me if I could hold Montana, her sister's daughter that she brought with her that day, while she packed up things in the car. I held Montana, this adorable one year old with skin the color of creamed coffee, black curly hair and the biggest brown eyes I've ever seen on such a young child. To be honest, I haven't hold a kid in quite some time. She was depending on me, her hands clutching on to my shirt and her legs around my waist. I bounced her and cooed softly in her ear, as she just woke up from a very short nap after swimming. My heart skipped a beat when she smiled at me.

She had such faith in the arms of whoever she fell into. She obviously was most comfortable in Kristie's arms, but she would stretch for either me or Brian when we walked by. She depended on us to care for her and love her. And it hit me...that's the way that we should depend on God. The childlike faith, so we hold on to His finger and never let go, knowing that He has the best in store for us. And I wonder what makes us grow out of that...

~j

VOTD:

But now, O LORD, thou art our father; we are the clay, and thou our potter; and we all are the work of thy hand.

Isaiah 64:8

So cleaning up my room today...I nearly cried when I put away my Dinkles. And my heart hurt a lot when I found gloves in the back of my closet with my garmet bag. 

I feel so lost without it.

~j

VOTD:

God is my refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. Therefore, he I will not  fear, though the earth be removed, and though the mountains be carried into the midst of the sea.

Psalm 46:1-2

Geometry can wait.

See above title.

During (MY LAST DAY OF) day treatment today, I happened to look around the girls that were surrounding me. There were about 12 others in day treatment. Their ages ranged from 15-29. Some were just entering high school, some planning to start a family. We all came from different areas from the eastern states; some were from Pennsylvania, some New Jersey, some New York. And we were all there for the same reason; Satan (as they like to call ED (eating disorder), but I know for a fact that it is the devil trying to grapple my soul) is trying to catch us for his own bait. It's astounding how he can warp our minds into thinking that food is the enemy and STARVING OURSELVES or MAKING OURSELVES THROW UP is the right and only option.

Dear God, all of those girls are BEAUTIFUL. They are STUNNING. And it really does hurt me so much to see all of them twisted around this eating disorder to make themselves 'perfect'. These girls are so gorgeous, I know for a fact that people turn their heads to look at them as they walk past. Gorgeous, talented girls. They all have so many gifts. And yet...we're there, in day treatment, learning to do something that we were taught to do when we were nearly one half of a year old.

I don't think I can EXPRESS how beautiful God made them. He crafted them, He marveled over them, He was so excited for the second we would be born so He could see His masterpiece in action. I know that He smiles when we do the right thing, when we live for Him and glorify Him, and it rips His heart apart when we turn from His open arms and follow the temporary high that Satan coaxingly intrigues us to.

And He hates when we get caught up in our own actions and can't seem to see the way out, even when He's desperately waving His hands to get our attention, but we're in so deep that we don't recognize them.

I'm sure that He is devastated when we turn to even darker things, thinking it will fix us when only it is tearing us apart even more than we thought possible. All the while Satan is gleefully turning us towards more opportunities to kill ourselves. Because that is all he wants. Our death.

I know that God is there. All the time. And when we decide to turn to Him, He smiles with His arms open wide and takes us in. I wish the world would rid all of its hideous and sinful ways. HOW MUCH EASIER would life be?? But alas, the Lord wants US to choose HIM. And that's where it's up to us.

Reader, you are beautiful. Stunning. Gorgeous. God's work of ART!!! How INCREDIBLE is that?! He loves us to DEATH, even when we turn to that dang anorexia, or the cutting, or the pills, porn, sex, lust, or whatever the world offers that looks tempting. God wants us OUT of there. But it's up to us to want to get out as well.

You may have seen this before. I suggest watching it again. It makes such an impact every time I watch it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cyheJ480LYA

~j

VOTD:

For this people's heart has grown dull, and with their ears they can barely hear, and their eyes they have closed, lest they should see with their eyes and hear with their ears and understand with their heart and turn, and I would heal them.'

But blessed are your eyes, for they see, and your ears, for they hear.

For truly, I say to you, many prophets and righteous people longed to see what you see, and did not see it, and to hear what you hear, and did not hear it.

Matthew 13:15-17

What can I say?

This morning at church, God wanted me to feel Him again. I know it. Every song was so moving, talking about surrendering our entire life to Him and Him only. With this struggle, it gets oh so challenging to let it go and MOVE ON. But I'm losing so much now because of this stupid eating disorder. And there are just days (like today) when I want to give up, to just let everyone down because I cannot keep up with the masquerade that I'm okay. But...God is telling me to let everything go. For Him. Because He gave everything. For US. We have to let go of our burdens, our sins, our screams, our pain, our sorrows, our past, our regrets, our tears...and give it ALL to Him. And we will then know true humility.

I want to let go. And I know that God is working on me, prying this hideous addiction/disease/whatever you want to call it out of my life. It's hard. And it's painful. And there are many times I feel so alone because no one truly understands how it works. But it's for Him. And it's for the better.

Thanks for listening.
~j

James 4:7
Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.

It's about time I updated this...

The lack of updating my blog is due to the curveballs that have recently been hurled at me. Yay life. :P

Wow. Quick update...I spent 4 weeks in Renfrew Center the beginning of May into June, trying to recover. I had the worst outlook, and I'd do anything to go back and do it again and actually give it a good effort. I am now in day treatment 5 days a week from early morning to afternoon. It's basically like school, except you're being taught how to eat again rather than silly unnecessary things such as calculus and chem. 

Guess what? I want to get better. :] I finally hit the rock bottom that I've needed for so long last Sunday. When I came home, I went exactly back into the habits I had before Renfrew. I overexercised, threw away food, lied about my exchanges, restricted, you name it. And on Sunday the 5th, I finally realized how much I lost, and it would take me a VERY long time to list the opportunities I have lost, the events I've missed, the friendships I've lost, the smiles and laughs that were taken...it hurts still. And I realized that I don't want to live like this anymore. I didn't realize how much Satan had control of my mind, and it scared me. I finally heard the difference between God's voice and Satan's voice, and it was so long since I could hear it. That was a very very very tearful day. 

Yet...it's so hard. It's hard to eat normally. It's hard NOT to worry about food and not feel guilt. Every day I do have to fight the obscenely strong urge to run everything off until I pass out. I miss that control. But I crave my relationship with God, that fiery passion that I once had, and thankfully is beginning to rekindle. This is such a hard situation. Please pray. And also, please pray about my dad's car which was ruined in the car accident. I know I shouldn't worry about it at my age, but I'm very scared considering his lack of job, and with that accident racking up the bills, I get slightly nervous. Prayers would be great.

In short, God has done a lot in my life in the past weeks in recovery. And there is absolutely no feeling like Him always being there for me. :]

~j

VOTD:

Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.

Psalm 51:10

Yet another update.

I will be staying at the Renfrew Center in Philadelphia for one month. Living there. I'll be having classes on how to get better, get my mind out of this panic-mode with food and major exercise, etc. I'd be lying if I said I'm not scared out of my mind. Please pray.

~j

So umm...yeah. State Choir.

On Wednesday, me and five other Souderton kids headed out to Pittsburgh for the PMEA state choir. Needless to say, it was an experience I will NEVER forget. It was districts and regionals on steroids. Not only was it state choir, it was the state band, state orchestra, state wind ensemble, state jazz ensemble and state vocal jazz choir. There were over 600 prodigies of music stuffed into one school/convention center/hotel. 600. It was INCREDIBLE. You were surrounded by music wherever you went. Oh my goodness, and the sound of the choir. It sounded like 288 angels singing. The basses were so good that their notes rattled in your chest. I love singing so much. :]

Another crazy thing? 5 out of the 6 Souderton kids made the top ten of their section (Natalie 7th, Kelsey 10th, Will 4th, Brenna 2nd, me 3rd).And helloooo Eastern Regions. :D

Another amazing thing. On Saturday before the concert, we had oodles of down time while the other ensembles were performing. Jon decided to start a bible study with his friends. It started out with about five of us, and ended up with about 25 of us. We barely knew each others' names but we all ended up spilling our lives out, our pain and problems, where to look in the Bible for help, we prayed for each other, we sang every worship song we could think of. I ended up crying, especially seeing Natalie having tears stream down her face. I loved getting the strange looks from everyone else (we were in the middle of the floor...in a circle...in the Pittsburgh Convention Center, mind you.) Some people were curious and would hang around for a bit, then leave. Most stayed. Even the head chaperone saw what we were doing and came to join us. And you know? This is the power of God. That day. We were strangers and yet we were bonded in the family of Christ. It was INCREDIBLE. I'm so glad I got to experience it.

I'd post more but I believe I hear Carter pulling up. But in short, these past few days were marvelous days. I will never forget them.

~j

VOTD (and one of my personal favorites:)

For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Romans 8:38-39

This is hurting my very soul. It absolutely kills me to see people so entangled in sin. I can only depend on prayer at a time like this...

~j

VOTD:

Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding.

In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.

Be not wise in your own eyes; fear the LORD, and turn away from evil.

It will be healing to your flesh and refreshment to your bones.

Proverbs 3:5-8

Indescrible.

So I woke up early this morning to go running, and by 'waking up early', I mean I forced my rather sleepy body out of my bed around eight o'clock. It felt rather good. The weather is SO beautiful. It's PERFECT out. I've gotten major spring fever after the multiple 'Blizzards of 2010'. After I ran, I came back home and decided to read outside. I got pretty distracted by the nature surrounding me. I was watching a shadow of an ant crawl about a flower, and this butterfly was circling the gardens I was in between. It's so beautiful. Hello, spring.

Whatever religion you are (or aren't), you can't deny that our earth is absolutely BEAUTIFUL. So go enjoy it today. :]

~j

VOTD:

 What great deeds are done by His hands. 

Mark 6:2

50 Things I Thank God For

These are in no order whatsoever. They can be life changing or little things that make me smile.  All the while, they are from God. So thanks. :]

1. Him saving my life.

2. His grace that I see every moment of my life.

3. My oh so special family.

4. My incredible sisters in Christ that are there for me always.

5. The people in my life that mean the world.

6.  Music. Enough said. :]

7. The ability to laugh.

8. His forgiveness.

9. Rain. While it's cold and raw right now, it's replenishes the earth and makes things green again. :D

10. Shelter. Something we take for granted EVERY DAY.

11. Food. See above side note.

12. Clothing. Once again, see number 10 side note.

13. Fires that heat up our home.

14. Sunsets and sunrises that He paints in the sky every day.

15. Flip flops.

16. The sun (when it decides to come out :P)

17. Seeing the robins flutter around when I'm walking to school.

18. The ability to sing.

19. The ability to dance.

20. The people that help you when in a time of need.

21. Hoodies and sweats that just come out of the dryer.

22. The ability to walk. You realize that you take it for granted when you see your best friend on crutches...

23. While on the subject, the ability to heal. Physically and emotionally.

24. Piano sonatas. :]

25. Jazz.

26. The fine detail in flowers.

27. Sand in between your toes in the summer.

28. Loving people.

29. People that forgive one another.

30. Being able to live in such a safe country.

31. All the different languages in the world. As difficult as they are, they are all incredibly beautiful in their own way.

32. Blue skies on a spring day.

33. People that encourage my spiritual life.

34. Show choir. Enjoying it while it's here. :]

35. The way God blessed us with the intelligence for our technology.

36. Dinners with the family around the table.

37. His ENDLESS love.

38. Swing sets.

39. Those huge trees you see in forests, and you imagine just how many hundreds of years they have been standing there.

40. The beauty of animals, whether microscopic or breaking Guinness World Records for the largest.

41. Having a new day to start over every twenty four hours.

42. Bible study. Whether Dave's or The Movement.

43. Fuzzy socks to keep my feet warm.

44. Making new friends.

45. Being blessed to have a piano.

46. Smiles.

47. Running. 

48. Wisdom.

49. Having all five senses.

50. The Bible, an entire love story by God.

~j

VOTD:

Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding.

In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.

Be not wise in your own eyes; fear the LORD, and turn away from evil.

It will be healing to your flesh and refreshment to your bones.

Proverbs 3:5-8

What a week!

This is probably my first Saturday morning when I'm not at set construction or another school based activity in quite some time. And I haven't been to bible study for three weeks due to our Beauty and the Beast (finally can come on Monday!!!) This week has been crazy. I understand why this is called 'Hell Week'. Having practices until ten every night, getting home as early as you can, exhausted to the bone from running around, freaking out about microphones, wardrobe malfunctions, dancing, etc. It's SO amazing. I'm glad I've survived half of it, with half more to go. :]

And now begins the race to learn state music and that second movement of that Beethoven sonata..

How I'd love to write more, but I actually don't have that much time to get my things done before the performance tonight (7:30, $10, come see it!! :D). 

~j

VOTD:

In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven.

Matthew 5:16

...Yeah, I made all state choir. :] Thank you Lord. This will be yet another unbelievable experience.

~j

VOTD:

For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.

Romans 3:23-24

Okay. So.

If whoever reads this could pray for me, that'd rock. That I keep my sanity during regionals, if it's His will that I make it into state choir, because honestly, I don't think I've ever worked for something so hard before. I'm trying not to be so scared. It's a scary event though. It was created to make kids stay up late practicing and wake up early to practice, then go to it and practice 11 hours a day, deprive us of sleep to wake up even earlier and practice more.

Haha, and why do I love it so much again? It's so so so worth it. :]

~j

VOTD:

I patiently waited, LORD, for you to hear my prayer. You listened and pulled me from a lonely pit full of mud and mire. You let me stand on a rock with my feet firm, and you gave me a new song, a song of praise to you. Many will see this, and they will honor and trust you, the LORD God.

Psalm 40:1-3

Breathe.

Here I am, sitting here on this snowy Friday evening, sweats and all, recovering from some sort of 24 hour bug, dying to talk. This whole giving up Facebook for lent is pretty difficult.

This week has actually been a hard one. Not in the case of work, but more of an emotional roller coaster. There's so much that's on my plate, with time running out. I've thought so much about other people whom I love so much that are going through a literal hell. Many people come to my mind when I say that.

I'm giving myself the challenge to smile at random people in the hallway who seem like they just might need a little brightness in their life. We're brushing shoulders with people that are ready to die, and we are completely oblivious. They can see themselves as utterly worthless, not worth anyone's time or effort. And they'll do whatever it takes to try to fit this cookie cutter shape of what they think is the 'right' or 'perfect' person. And they'll take drastic measures to reach it. And if they don't, they beat themselves up. How easy it is to get entangled up in sin. And how easy it is to say that 'I'm fine, I don't need to get out of here, I'm in control.' Frog in boiling water, my friends. You don't realize how deep you are in until you get out of it, look later and say 'I was really in THAT deep?'

It is basically impossible to save someone out of what they're in by yourself. You'll probably need help. That's why we got God. And that's why we DO have parents, or adults, mentors, whatever. They know what to do too.

Please, I beg you, don't do this to yourself. I love you way too much for this to continue to happen.

This long of a struggle
Finally opened up my eyes
Revolutions not easy
With a civil war on the inside

~j

VOTD:

You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother's womb. Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous-how well I know it. You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion, as I was woven together in the dark of the womb. You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed.

Psalm 139:13-17

It's the nights like these when I want to just curl up in a ball and hide. It's rather tempting, actually. And it's funny how your hardest obstacles in your life can be the ones at your own home, your own flesh and blood. And it makes me sad how I feel so helpless to the huge wall they've built around themselves. But there is nothing left to do except pray, pray for God to give strength for me to speak or for strength for this wall to come down. There's no way I can do this on myself...

~j

VOTD:

You boast, "We have entered into a covenant with death, with the grave we have made an agreement. When an overwhelming scourge sweeps by, it cannot touch us, for we have made a lie our refuge and falsehood our hiding place."

Isaiah 28:15

:]

Happy Valentine's Day! Easily one of the best weekends of my life. :D

~j

VOTD:
But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.

Romans 5:8

Ahh, snow days.

Welcome to the days of cabin fever, hoodies and sweats, hot chocolate, shovels and snow past the windowsill. Yay.

Today I decided to relive my childhood of sledding, so Julia and I did our best to recruit Souderton kids who were also stuck at home. After fetching Mikayla and Austen, we sledded on the EMC hill. Very very fun. :D I forgot how thrilling it was to sled. Now if I wore actual snow attire, I would have been all right, because I was soaked to the skin after a few hours, thus ending my fun. :P

Snow days like these can really do a lot to people. It forces you to be with the people around you. You cannot run off to a friend's house or a movie or a coffee shop, etc. You're STUCK. And I hope that you all had some time with your family today, at SOME point. While some family members of mine are rather anti-social with anyone, I got to talk with my parents for a while. That would never happen if we didn't have these days off. They also really show God's power. A mere snow storm of His can cause the entire east coast to go ballistic. EVERYONE'S plans got altered in some way due to the snow. It puts us all on some sort of hold until the roads are all right. It's crazy, isn't it? And of course, it's insanely beautiful. Snow, as much as I hate that it destroys plans, is so pretty. It's pure, white, sets a glow to the world at night. Of all of the colors in the entire world, God chose white. And it couldn't be any more perfect!

Jesus paid it all
And all to Him I owe
Sin has left a crimson stain
He washed it white as snow

~j

VOTD:

In the same way the Spirit also helps our weakness; for we do not know how to pray as we should, but the Spirit Himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words

Romans 8:26

Stop the clock for a sec.

Goodness gracious, what's the rush? It seems like everyone these days is so antsy to get out of here to college. Yes, I would love to get out of Souderton and see the world, but they're freaking out about colleges and things so into the future that can very well change. Okay, yes, I too have checked out some colleges around here, but I don't know what God is going to throw at my life. As most of you know, I want to go into music as a career because it's a passion of mine. I get kind of concerned thinking about how my grades are less than stellar and my lack of honors in math...and really, God WILL take care of it. He might introduce an entirely different passion into my life in the next few years which will turn my world upside down. And you know, it can happen to you too! And of course, absolutely EVERYTHING is possible in God. I'm really working on giving God the steering wheel of my life, especially now; I encourage you to do the same. He's in control. Not me. And that's the way it should be. So take a deep breath and let it out. Everything is going to be okay. Don't forget to enjoy life. He's got the whole world in His hands. :]

~j

VOTD:
I can do all things through him who strengthens me.

Philippians 4:13

Find your voice and dreams

Yesterday was an interesting day. I would do anything to be in Lake Champion being totally revamped for God, but no, it's my grandmother's birthday. I've prayed so much for patience and to not be incredibly angry that God's probably tired of hearing it. :P So I'll get off that sore subject.

Yesterday we went to New Jersey to celebrate my grammy's 80th. There's this SUPER nice country club called Tavistock (spelling along those lines...) that we went to. We all got really dressed up, hair all special, the works. We headed out around 4. On the ride over, I tried to study some biology but ended up getting distracted by what's outside. On each side of the Ben Franklin bridge, the cities are so broken. They're so run down. To this day, it amazes me how we are a mere 40 minutes from Philly and how obscenely different they are. Buildings are crumbling, street people came up to our cars at a red light with a styrofoam cup, begging for money. Of course this tears at my heart, and I would have given the man something like my bible or SOMETHING but my mom locked the doors and said not to look at him. Well I looked at him. Oh my word, it kills me. It really does. It was a serious flashback of Toronto. The awful part is you don't know what they would do with the money if they got it. Drugs or food. It hurts me so much.
We continued to drive and got into the super snobby part of NJ. I have never felt so out of place, let me tell you. I am the polar opposite of sophisticated. I'm rather awkward and clumsy. It's not in MY blood, for sure. Anyway, this part of NJ was so clean-cut, ginormous modern mansions with a sign outside of their house saying who they were and their address. They had huge chandeliers outside of their homes, and in the windows you could see the massive crystal fixings. The streets were like Doylestown to the 10th power. All of those huge brand name stores, with people strolling the streets in their huge fur coats (no lie) and Uggs. The utter opposite-ness of these two places was shocking me. They all live together in the same area and it's basically segregated. It makes me so sad, this world.

On the way back, I was so wired there was no way I could sleep. I happened to be looking into the cars as we passed them. Oh humanity. There was a couple in one car. Both of their lips were pursed and were leaning against the outer windows, almost a way to get away from the other person. It looked like they had some sort of fight or disagreement. That car went along.
On a more comical note, I saw a nun, in her whole headdress thing and all. It made me laugh. :]
Another car had about four younger-looking adults in the car. The people in the back had bottles in their hands, with many empty bottles in the dashboard and the back dashboard thing (?). This made me slightly concerned for the driver, in case he had too much to drink as well. That car whizzed by too.
The next car had a single woman in a large van. She looked oh so lonely.

This all got me thinking. My thoughts were vaguely connected to my seeings.

You never know what's going on in someone else's life. Especially a stranger. We brush shoulders with alcoholics, cutters, drug addicts, suicidal thinkers. And we never even know unless it makes the news or something. I don't think there is anything we can even do about it. But this thought stumbled into my mind last night. I really want to take another Philly sandwich run. They really move me.

That's all I got now. Back to studying. :]
~j

VOTD:

Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light for my path.

Psalm 119:105

I love the days...

I really love the days when I'm trying to study for finals and do other important things and God just shows up right in my face. :] I love God and His little ways. He knows I'm freaking out like mad about this and districts and having to be done by 3 or so, and I know that His words are just telling me to calm down.

Big breath, Jenny. God's got my back. And He got yours, too. :]

~j

VOTD:

Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.

1 Peter 5:6-7

I must be crazy...

My word I SHOULD be studying but I really wanted to put this down sometime tonight.

I had a piano lesson tonight, as I have every Thursday night for what feels like my entire existence (this is a good thing, mind you). So I walked into Mr. Blickenstaff's piano room and happened to look around a bit more while he had another student. He got a new clock. It surprised me. His last one had a crinkled old tea-bag paper look, with great black minute and hour hands. To me, it was always just as old as his 1790's house. The new clock still has the roman numeral look but is pure white and smaller. More modern. Change. It took me by surprise. You readers out there might think that I have lost my mind or something, but it was something I noticed. That's change #1.

After the other student is done her lesson, I go over to the piano bench and get my music out. Mr. B comes over the piano and begins to talk about a conversation he had with a woman yesterday when teaching at Princeton. When facing my mother, I noticed a small, clear tube in his ear. A hearing aid. And you know what, at that sight I had to fight back tears. Mr. Blickenstaff, my incredible life-changing piano teacher is growing older. Really really quickly. He's already in his 70's. It scares me. I don't want him to go. He's my solid, never-changing piano teacher that I love to death. Change #2.

Now if you know anything about Mr. Blickenstaff, he gets up in your face. Haha, I remember my first lessons with him. I was first intimidated that he was in a suit in August and I was in an old soccer t-shirt and shorts with chucks. I was always so started when he would get inches from my face when I asked a question. It's his nature that I learned to love. But I asked a question today, and he got very up in my face. I happened to notice all of the wrinkles in his face that I never noticed before. See change #2 for reasons why this made me sad.

This really woke me up. I sometimes forget that change happens all the time. I feel like day after day, not much changes. I change of course, but the world stays the same. Some change I can't grasp quickly enough. But tonight just reminded me on how quickly my life is going. And then of course that reminds me of how life is equivalent to half a wink when compared to heaven.

I don't know. Just some more Jennythoughts. I'd right so much more but unfortunately I have finals to study for and a national anthem to sing. :]

~j


VOTD:
Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone.

Colossians 4:6

"But I tell you not to resist an evil person. But whoever slaps you on your right cheek, turn the other to him also."

Matthew 5:39

TGIF. Really. Thank goodness.

Oh wow, this week was long.

Hmm, Great Gatsby homework/Langston Hughes homework...vs. writing another post before tonight's party...I think this wins. Once again. Oh procrastination. :D

Before I start, this is to absolutely no one in particular. It's been on my mind for a few weeks and I finally have time now to write it.

These are just some more Jennythoughts, once again. I know a lot of fantastic people, really. I love them all. But I noticed in a lot of them, there isn't any forgiveness. And many of them actually say 'Yes, I forgive you' but then they bring it up later to provoke guilt or anger. That's not forgiveness. A lot of humans have difficulty actually FORGIVING someone. I can admit, it can be hard. You have to acknowledge what they did is wrong and accept that they made a mistake and forget about it. Basically, you can forget that it even happened because, if you actually did forgive, it won't make a difference at all in your relationship with that person. But when people hold grudges...it makes me so sad. So very sad. Thankfully, God gave me the abiltity to forgive, so when people hold grudges, it's beyond me. How can you hold that much anger towards one person? How can you expect THEM to be perfect when you are the polar opposite of it yourself? Why bother bottling it up inside? Forgiving is just so much easier, really. I think if everyone did just forgive like we are called to do, there would be so much less drama. Heck, there would be less violence in the world. That small step can make such a difference.

I'm not sure about yourself, but I have such a problem with forgiving myself. There are many things I've done which I fully regret. And I can honestly say I have never forgiven myself. But it's equally as important. To let go all of that CRAP and just say to God "Look, I screwed up, but I know you love me. Please forgive me." It sounds like nothing else. And for our amazing God to just take those crappy sins and hurl them as far as the east is from the west (I'll say that's quite a distance)...how cool is that? One PERFECT God that forgives us, people that are equivalent as dirt. Just pretty awesome if you ask me.

~j

VOTD:

The mind of sinful man is death, but the mind controlled by the Spirit is life and peace

Romans 8:6

Almost there...

Well happy one month. :] What a happy month this has been.

Almost Friday, so close. Thursdays like to mock me. I'm SO close to the week being over and then (most of) the tension will be gone, the stress, the work. Then I'll have time to practice for...let's see...musical, districts, the piano recital thing, not to mention lessons for voice/piano, horn too...heaven help me. I'm stretched out way too thin.

Sleepy and I want to talk to God tonight for some time. Night.
~j

VOTD:

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!

2 Corinthians 5:17

2010. Whoa.

So ready for the first post of this new year? Yay.

I want to get out of here. No, I'm not really upset, I just want to get OUT of here, I feel so stuck. I realized how many commitments are weighing me down, like districts, and piano, and voice. And I love all of them, don't get me wrong, but the things that I have signed up for...it's just way too much.

And we're miles from the middle of nowhere
And neither of us seems to care

We could be in a world where school DIDN'T matter nearly as much as it did, where grades did not define what would be our future, because only God knows. We could be in a world where there was only God's love, where all of this CRAP would be gone.

But really, this is unlikely. Heck, it's impossible. This will NEVER happen. Ever. And I don't mean this in a negative way, this is REALITY. Heyyyo.

But it's okay. Because I'm just in the world. I am not of it.

What about yourself?

~j

VOTD:

I therefore, a prisoner for the Lord, urge you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called,

Ephesians 4:1