Find your voice and dreams

Yesterday was an interesting day. I would do anything to be in Lake Champion being totally revamped for God, but no, it's my grandmother's birthday. I've prayed so much for patience and to not be incredibly angry that God's probably tired of hearing it. :P So I'll get off that sore subject.

Yesterday we went to New Jersey to celebrate my grammy's 80th. There's this SUPER nice country club called Tavistock (spelling along those lines...) that we went to. We all got really dressed up, hair all special, the works. We headed out around 4. On the ride over, I tried to study some biology but ended up getting distracted by what's outside. On each side of the Ben Franklin bridge, the cities are so broken. They're so run down. To this day, it amazes me how we are a mere 40 minutes from Philly and how obscenely different they are. Buildings are crumbling, street people came up to our cars at a red light with a styrofoam cup, begging for money. Of course this tears at my heart, and I would have given the man something like my bible or SOMETHING but my mom locked the doors and said not to look at him. Well I looked at him. Oh my word, it kills me. It really does. It was a serious flashback of Toronto. The awful part is you don't know what they would do with the money if they got it. Drugs or food. It hurts me so much.
We continued to drive and got into the super snobby part of NJ. I have never felt so out of place, let me tell you. I am the polar opposite of sophisticated. I'm rather awkward and clumsy. It's not in MY blood, for sure. Anyway, this part of NJ was so clean-cut, ginormous modern mansions with a sign outside of their house saying who they were and their address. They had huge chandeliers outside of their homes, and in the windows you could see the massive crystal fixings. The streets were like Doylestown to the 10th power. All of those huge brand name stores, with people strolling the streets in their huge fur coats (no lie) and Uggs. The utter opposite-ness of these two places was shocking me. They all live together in the same area and it's basically segregated. It makes me so sad, this world.

On the way back, I was so wired there was no way I could sleep. I happened to be looking into the cars as we passed them. Oh humanity. There was a couple in one car. Both of their lips were pursed and were leaning against the outer windows, almost a way to get away from the other person. It looked like they had some sort of fight or disagreement. That car went along.
On a more comical note, I saw a nun, in her whole headdress thing and all. It made me laugh. :]
Another car had about four younger-looking adults in the car. The people in the back had bottles in their hands, with many empty bottles in the dashboard and the back dashboard thing (?). This made me slightly concerned for the driver, in case he had too much to drink as well. That car whizzed by too.
The next car had a single woman in a large van. She looked oh so lonely.

This all got me thinking. My thoughts were vaguely connected to my seeings.

You never know what's going on in someone else's life. Especially a stranger. We brush shoulders with alcoholics, cutters, drug addicts, suicidal thinkers. And we never even know unless it makes the news or something. I don't think there is anything we can even do about it. But this thought stumbled into my mind last night. I really want to take another Philly sandwich run. They really move me.

That's all I got now. Back to studying. :]
~j

VOTD:

Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light for my path.

Psalm 119:105

I love the days...

I really love the days when I'm trying to study for finals and do other important things and God just shows up right in my face. :] I love God and His little ways. He knows I'm freaking out like mad about this and districts and having to be done by 3 or so, and I know that His words are just telling me to calm down.

Big breath, Jenny. God's got my back. And He got yours, too. :]

~j

VOTD:

Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.

1 Peter 5:6-7

I must be crazy...

My word I SHOULD be studying but I really wanted to put this down sometime tonight.

I had a piano lesson tonight, as I have every Thursday night for what feels like my entire existence (this is a good thing, mind you). So I walked into Mr. Blickenstaff's piano room and happened to look around a bit more while he had another student. He got a new clock. It surprised me. His last one had a crinkled old tea-bag paper look, with great black minute and hour hands. To me, it was always just as old as his 1790's house. The new clock still has the roman numeral look but is pure white and smaller. More modern. Change. It took me by surprise. You readers out there might think that I have lost my mind or something, but it was something I noticed. That's change #1.

After the other student is done her lesson, I go over to the piano bench and get my music out. Mr. B comes over the piano and begins to talk about a conversation he had with a woman yesterday when teaching at Princeton. When facing my mother, I noticed a small, clear tube in his ear. A hearing aid. And you know what, at that sight I had to fight back tears. Mr. Blickenstaff, my incredible life-changing piano teacher is growing older. Really really quickly. He's already in his 70's. It scares me. I don't want him to go. He's my solid, never-changing piano teacher that I love to death. Change #2.

Now if you know anything about Mr. Blickenstaff, he gets up in your face. Haha, I remember my first lessons with him. I was first intimidated that he was in a suit in August and I was in an old soccer t-shirt and shorts with chucks. I was always so started when he would get inches from my face when I asked a question. It's his nature that I learned to love. But I asked a question today, and he got very up in my face. I happened to notice all of the wrinkles in his face that I never noticed before. See change #2 for reasons why this made me sad.

This really woke me up. I sometimes forget that change happens all the time. I feel like day after day, not much changes. I change of course, but the world stays the same. Some change I can't grasp quickly enough. But tonight just reminded me on how quickly my life is going. And then of course that reminds me of how life is equivalent to half a wink when compared to heaven.

I don't know. Just some more Jennythoughts. I'd right so much more but unfortunately I have finals to study for and a national anthem to sing. :]

~j


VOTD:
Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone.

Colossians 4:6

"But I tell you not to resist an evil person. But whoever slaps you on your right cheek, turn the other to him also."

Matthew 5:39

TGIF. Really. Thank goodness.

Oh wow, this week was long.

Hmm, Great Gatsby homework/Langston Hughes homework...vs. writing another post before tonight's party...I think this wins. Once again. Oh procrastination. :D

Before I start, this is to absolutely no one in particular. It's been on my mind for a few weeks and I finally have time now to write it.

These are just some more Jennythoughts, once again. I know a lot of fantastic people, really. I love them all. But I noticed in a lot of them, there isn't any forgiveness. And many of them actually say 'Yes, I forgive you' but then they bring it up later to provoke guilt or anger. That's not forgiveness. A lot of humans have difficulty actually FORGIVING someone. I can admit, it can be hard. You have to acknowledge what they did is wrong and accept that they made a mistake and forget about it. Basically, you can forget that it even happened because, if you actually did forgive, it won't make a difference at all in your relationship with that person. But when people hold grudges...it makes me so sad. So very sad. Thankfully, God gave me the abiltity to forgive, so when people hold grudges, it's beyond me. How can you hold that much anger towards one person? How can you expect THEM to be perfect when you are the polar opposite of it yourself? Why bother bottling it up inside? Forgiving is just so much easier, really. I think if everyone did just forgive like we are called to do, there would be so much less drama. Heck, there would be less violence in the world. That small step can make such a difference.

I'm not sure about yourself, but I have such a problem with forgiving myself. There are many things I've done which I fully regret. And I can honestly say I have never forgiven myself. But it's equally as important. To let go all of that CRAP and just say to God "Look, I screwed up, but I know you love me. Please forgive me." It sounds like nothing else. And for our amazing God to just take those crappy sins and hurl them as far as the east is from the west (I'll say that's quite a distance)...how cool is that? One PERFECT God that forgives us, people that are equivalent as dirt. Just pretty awesome if you ask me.

~j

VOTD:

The mind of sinful man is death, but the mind controlled by the Spirit is life and peace

Romans 8:6

Almost there...

Well happy one month. :] What a happy month this has been.

Almost Friday, so close. Thursdays like to mock me. I'm SO close to the week being over and then (most of) the tension will be gone, the stress, the work. Then I'll have time to practice for...let's see...musical, districts, the piano recital thing, not to mention lessons for voice/piano, horn too...heaven help me. I'm stretched out way too thin.

Sleepy and I want to talk to God tonight for some time. Night.
~j

VOTD:

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!

2 Corinthians 5:17

2010. Whoa.

So ready for the first post of this new year? Yay.

I want to get out of here. No, I'm not really upset, I just want to get OUT of here, I feel so stuck. I realized how many commitments are weighing me down, like districts, and piano, and voice. And I love all of them, don't get me wrong, but the things that I have signed up for...it's just way too much.

And we're miles from the middle of nowhere
And neither of us seems to care

We could be in a world where school DIDN'T matter nearly as much as it did, where grades did not define what would be our future, because only God knows. We could be in a world where there was only God's love, where all of this CRAP would be gone.

But really, this is unlikely. Heck, it's impossible. This will NEVER happen. Ever. And I don't mean this in a negative way, this is REALITY. Heyyyo.

But it's okay. Because I'm just in the world. I am not of it.

What about yourself?

~j

VOTD:

I therefore, a prisoner for the Lord, urge you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called,

Ephesians 4:1