So cleaning up my room today...I nearly cried when I put away my Dinkles. And my heart hurt a lot when I found gloves in the back of my closet with my garmet bag. 

I feel so lost without it.

~j

VOTD:

God is my refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. Therefore, he I will not  fear, though the earth be removed, and though the mountains be carried into the midst of the sea.

Psalm 46:1-2

Geometry can wait.

See above title.

During (MY LAST DAY OF) day treatment today, I happened to look around the girls that were surrounding me. There were about 12 others in day treatment. Their ages ranged from 15-29. Some were just entering high school, some planning to start a family. We all came from different areas from the eastern states; some were from Pennsylvania, some New Jersey, some New York. And we were all there for the same reason; Satan (as they like to call ED (eating disorder), but I know for a fact that it is the devil trying to grapple my soul) is trying to catch us for his own bait. It's astounding how he can warp our minds into thinking that food is the enemy and STARVING OURSELVES or MAKING OURSELVES THROW UP is the right and only option.

Dear God, all of those girls are BEAUTIFUL. They are STUNNING. And it really does hurt me so much to see all of them twisted around this eating disorder to make themselves 'perfect'. These girls are so gorgeous, I know for a fact that people turn their heads to look at them as they walk past. Gorgeous, talented girls. They all have so many gifts. And yet...we're there, in day treatment, learning to do something that we were taught to do when we were nearly one half of a year old.

I don't think I can EXPRESS how beautiful God made them. He crafted them, He marveled over them, He was so excited for the second we would be born so He could see His masterpiece in action. I know that He smiles when we do the right thing, when we live for Him and glorify Him, and it rips His heart apart when we turn from His open arms and follow the temporary high that Satan coaxingly intrigues us to.

And He hates when we get caught up in our own actions and can't seem to see the way out, even when He's desperately waving His hands to get our attention, but we're in so deep that we don't recognize them.

I'm sure that He is devastated when we turn to even darker things, thinking it will fix us when only it is tearing us apart even more than we thought possible. All the while Satan is gleefully turning us towards more opportunities to kill ourselves. Because that is all he wants. Our death.

I know that God is there. All the time. And when we decide to turn to Him, He smiles with His arms open wide and takes us in. I wish the world would rid all of its hideous and sinful ways. HOW MUCH EASIER would life be?? But alas, the Lord wants US to choose HIM. And that's where it's up to us.

Reader, you are beautiful. Stunning. Gorgeous. God's work of ART!!! How INCREDIBLE is that?! He loves us to DEATH, even when we turn to that dang anorexia, or the cutting, or the pills, porn, sex, lust, or whatever the world offers that looks tempting. God wants us OUT of there. But it's up to us to want to get out as well.

You may have seen this before. I suggest watching it again. It makes such an impact every time I watch it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cyheJ480LYA

~j

VOTD:

For this people's heart has grown dull, and with their ears they can barely hear, and their eyes they have closed, lest they should see with their eyes and hear with their ears and understand with their heart and turn, and I would heal them.'

But blessed are your eyes, for they see, and your ears, for they hear.

For truly, I say to you, many prophets and righteous people longed to see what you see, and did not see it, and to hear what you hear, and did not hear it.

Matthew 13:15-17

What can I say?

This morning at church, God wanted me to feel Him again. I know it. Every song was so moving, talking about surrendering our entire life to Him and Him only. With this struggle, it gets oh so challenging to let it go and MOVE ON. But I'm losing so much now because of this stupid eating disorder. And there are just days (like today) when I want to give up, to just let everyone down because I cannot keep up with the masquerade that I'm okay. But...God is telling me to let everything go. For Him. Because He gave everything. For US. We have to let go of our burdens, our sins, our screams, our pain, our sorrows, our past, our regrets, our tears...and give it ALL to Him. And we will then know true humility.

I want to let go. And I know that God is working on me, prying this hideous addiction/disease/whatever you want to call it out of my life. It's hard. And it's painful. And there are many times I feel so alone because no one truly understands how it works. But it's for Him. And it's for the better.

Thanks for listening.
~j

James 4:7
Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.

It's about time I updated this...

The lack of updating my blog is due to the curveballs that have recently been hurled at me. Yay life. :P

Wow. Quick update...I spent 4 weeks in Renfrew Center the beginning of May into June, trying to recover. I had the worst outlook, and I'd do anything to go back and do it again and actually give it a good effort. I am now in day treatment 5 days a week from early morning to afternoon. It's basically like school, except you're being taught how to eat again rather than silly unnecessary things such as calculus and chem. 

Guess what? I want to get better. :] I finally hit the rock bottom that I've needed for so long last Sunday. When I came home, I went exactly back into the habits I had before Renfrew. I overexercised, threw away food, lied about my exchanges, restricted, you name it. And on Sunday the 5th, I finally realized how much I lost, and it would take me a VERY long time to list the opportunities I have lost, the events I've missed, the friendships I've lost, the smiles and laughs that were taken...it hurts still. And I realized that I don't want to live like this anymore. I didn't realize how much Satan had control of my mind, and it scared me. I finally heard the difference between God's voice and Satan's voice, and it was so long since I could hear it. That was a very very very tearful day. 

Yet...it's so hard. It's hard to eat normally. It's hard NOT to worry about food and not feel guilt. Every day I do have to fight the obscenely strong urge to run everything off until I pass out. I miss that control. But I crave my relationship with God, that fiery passion that I once had, and thankfully is beginning to rekindle. This is such a hard situation. Please pray. And also, please pray about my dad's car which was ruined in the car accident. I know I shouldn't worry about it at my age, but I'm very scared considering his lack of job, and with that accident racking up the bills, I get slightly nervous. Prayers would be great.

In short, God has done a lot in my life in the past weeks in recovery. And there is absolutely no feeling like Him always being there for me. :]

~j

VOTD:

Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.

Psalm 51:10

Yet another update.

I will be staying at the Renfrew Center in Philadelphia for one month. Living there. I'll be having classes on how to get better, get my mind out of this panic-mode with food and major exercise, etc. I'd be lying if I said I'm not scared out of my mind. Please pray.

~j

So umm...yeah. State Choir.

On Wednesday, me and five other Souderton kids headed out to Pittsburgh for the PMEA state choir. Needless to say, it was an experience I will NEVER forget. It was districts and regionals on steroids. Not only was it state choir, it was the state band, state orchestra, state wind ensemble, state jazz ensemble and state vocal jazz choir. There were over 600 prodigies of music stuffed into one school/convention center/hotel. 600. It was INCREDIBLE. You were surrounded by music wherever you went. Oh my goodness, and the sound of the choir. It sounded like 288 angels singing. The basses were so good that their notes rattled in your chest. I love singing so much. :]

Another crazy thing? 5 out of the 6 Souderton kids made the top ten of their section (Natalie 7th, Kelsey 10th, Will 4th, Brenna 2nd, me 3rd).And helloooo Eastern Regions. :D

Another amazing thing. On Saturday before the concert, we had oodles of down time while the other ensembles were performing. Jon decided to start a bible study with his friends. It started out with about five of us, and ended up with about 25 of us. We barely knew each others' names but we all ended up spilling our lives out, our pain and problems, where to look in the Bible for help, we prayed for each other, we sang every worship song we could think of. I ended up crying, especially seeing Natalie having tears stream down her face. I loved getting the strange looks from everyone else (we were in the middle of the floor...in a circle...in the Pittsburgh Convention Center, mind you.) Some people were curious and would hang around for a bit, then leave. Most stayed. Even the head chaperone saw what we were doing and came to join us. And you know? This is the power of God. That day. We were strangers and yet we were bonded in the family of Christ. It was INCREDIBLE. I'm so glad I got to experience it.

I'd post more but I believe I hear Carter pulling up. But in short, these past few days were marvelous days. I will never forget them.

~j

VOTD (and one of my personal favorites:)

For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Romans 8:38-39

This is hurting my very soul. It absolutely kills me to see people so entangled in sin. I can only depend on prayer at a time like this...

~j

VOTD:

Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding.

In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.

Be not wise in your own eyes; fear the LORD, and turn away from evil.

It will be healing to your flesh and refreshment to your bones.

Proverbs 3:5-8