It's about time I updated this...

The lack of updating my blog is due to the curveballs that have recently been hurled at me. Yay life. :P

Wow. Quick update...I spent 4 weeks in Renfrew Center the beginning of May into June, trying to recover. I had the worst outlook, and I'd do anything to go back and do it again and actually give it a good effort. I am now in day treatment 5 days a week from early morning to afternoon. It's basically like school, except you're being taught how to eat again rather than silly unnecessary things such as calculus and chem. 

Guess what? I want to get better. :] I finally hit the rock bottom that I've needed for so long last Sunday. When I came home, I went exactly back into the habits I had before Renfrew. I overexercised, threw away food, lied about my exchanges, restricted, you name it. And on Sunday the 5th, I finally realized how much I lost, and it would take me a VERY long time to list the opportunities I have lost, the events I've missed, the friendships I've lost, the smiles and laughs that were taken...it hurts still. And I realized that I don't want to live like this anymore. I didn't realize how much Satan had control of my mind, and it scared me. I finally heard the difference between God's voice and Satan's voice, and it was so long since I could hear it. That was a very very very tearful day. 

Yet...it's so hard. It's hard to eat normally. It's hard NOT to worry about food and not feel guilt. Every day I do have to fight the obscenely strong urge to run everything off until I pass out. I miss that control. But I crave my relationship with God, that fiery passion that I once had, and thankfully is beginning to rekindle. This is such a hard situation. Please pray. And also, please pray about my dad's car which was ruined in the car accident. I know I shouldn't worry about it at my age, but I'm very scared considering his lack of job, and with that accident racking up the bills, I get slightly nervous. Prayers would be great.

In short, God has done a lot in my life in the past weeks in recovery. And there is absolutely no feeling like Him always being there for me. :]

~j

VOTD:

Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.

Psalm 51:10