I want to run again. I miss that feeling.

I want God to 180 my life. Please.

I want Poland. I don't want this to stop me.

Gaining weight is so scary. So so so so so scary.

I want the people I can talk to back.



I wish everything could settle.

I hate not knowing. I hate being helpless, not knowing what this muggy future holds.

I'm scared. I know that I failed. I did not reach the goal that I have been working my tail off for. It kills me.

And to not know what is next...

I know that God's plan will work out, but when will I be able to see it?

~j

Happy 4th :)

Yesterday was sort of amazing. 

 Last night, Carter and I decided to go outside and star gaze around 10:30. We took out beach towels and laid down in my backyard. It was...incredible. Stars beat any fireworks ANY day. He told me about one of his analogies of the stars that he has used since he was younger.

Night is nothing but a dark, dark blanket thrown over the sky. The stars are little pinprick holes in the blanket, and the light is heaven. Stars are pieces of heaven shining through to give us on earth a good taste of what heaven will be like.

We also saw LOADS of shooting stars. I first thought they were all planes, but they were too fast and were lacking blinking lights. So beautiful. 

How amazing is our world! Every little thing in our earth can be broken down to the finest details, which even then are FASCINATING. Think about...the air. What is air? A combination of elements, like nitrogen, hydrogen, oxygen, etc. What do we use it for? Duh, breathing. How do we breathe in these elements? The ones we need are dissolved into our blood stream. The ones we don't need are released back into the air. The air is made up of SO many things and yet we can't even feel it if we tried. It has billions upon billions of atoms dancing at the speed of a shotgun bullet, constantly surrounding us. And this is just AIR. Think of how many billions of THINGS are world is made of, and breaking down something that seems so simple, AIR...the details are fascinating.

I love God moments like these. :)

~j

VOTD:

"Through him all things were made; without him nothing was made that has been made." 

John 1:3

Those Small Moments

It's the few seconds, or even the minute of your day that can turn you around and take your breath away.

That sounds like a poem. :]

This evening, I was cleaning up the kitchen and my brother Brian and his fiance were packing up. Kristie asked me if I could hold Montana, her sister's daughter that she brought with her that day, while she packed up things in the car. I held Montana, this adorable one year old with skin the color of creamed coffee, black curly hair and the biggest brown eyes I've ever seen on such a young child. To be honest, I haven't hold a kid in quite some time. She was depending on me, her hands clutching on to my shirt and her legs around my waist. I bounced her and cooed softly in her ear, as she just woke up from a very short nap after swimming. My heart skipped a beat when she smiled at me.

She had such faith in the arms of whoever she fell into. She obviously was most comfortable in Kristie's arms, but she would stretch for either me or Brian when we walked by. She depended on us to care for her and love her. And it hit me...that's the way that we should depend on God. The childlike faith, so we hold on to His finger and never let go, knowing that He has the best in store for us. And I wonder what makes us grow out of that...

~j

VOTD:

But now, O LORD, thou art our father; we are the clay, and thou our potter; and we all are the work of thy hand.

Isaiah 64:8

So cleaning up my room today...I nearly cried when I put away my Dinkles. And my heart hurt a lot when I found gloves in the back of my closet with my garmet bag. 

I feel so lost without it.

~j

VOTD:

God is my refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. Therefore, he I will not  fear, though the earth be removed, and though the mountains be carried into the midst of the sea.

Psalm 46:1-2

Geometry can wait.

See above title.

During (MY LAST DAY OF) day treatment today, I happened to look around the girls that were surrounding me. There were about 12 others in day treatment. Their ages ranged from 15-29. Some were just entering high school, some planning to start a family. We all came from different areas from the eastern states; some were from Pennsylvania, some New Jersey, some New York. And we were all there for the same reason; Satan (as they like to call ED (eating disorder), but I know for a fact that it is the devil trying to grapple my soul) is trying to catch us for his own bait. It's astounding how he can warp our minds into thinking that food is the enemy and STARVING OURSELVES or MAKING OURSELVES THROW UP is the right and only option.

Dear God, all of those girls are BEAUTIFUL. They are STUNNING. And it really does hurt me so much to see all of them twisted around this eating disorder to make themselves 'perfect'. These girls are so gorgeous, I know for a fact that people turn their heads to look at them as they walk past. Gorgeous, talented girls. They all have so many gifts. And yet...we're there, in day treatment, learning to do something that we were taught to do when we were nearly one half of a year old.

I don't think I can EXPRESS how beautiful God made them. He crafted them, He marveled over them, He was so excited for the second we would be born so He could see His masterpiece in action. I know that He smiles when we do the right thing, when we live for Him and glorify Him, and it rips His heart apart when we turn from His open arms and follow the temporary high that Satan coaxingly intrigues us to.

And He hates when we get caught up in our own actions and can't seem to see the way out, even when He's desperately waving His hands to get our attention, but we're in so deep that we don't recognize them.

I'm sure that He is devastated when we turn to even darker things, thinking it will fix us when only it is tearing us apart even more than we thought possible. All the while Satan is gleefully turning us towards more opportunities to kill ourselves. Because that is all he wants. Our death.

I know that God is there. All the time. And when we decide to turn to Him, He smiles with His arms open wide and takes us in. I wish the world would rid all of its hideous and sinful ways. HOW MUCH EASIER would life be?? But alas, the Lord wants US to choose HIM. And that's where it's up to us.

Reader, you are beautiful. Stunning. Gorgeous. God's work of ART!!! How INCREDIBLE is that?! He loves us to DEATH, even when we turn to that dang anorexia, or the cutting, or the pills, porn, sex, lust, or whatever the world offers that looks tempting. God wants us OUT of there. But it's up to us to want to get out as well.

You may have seen this before. I suggest watching it again. It makes such an impact every time I watch it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cyheJ480LYA

~j

VOTD:

For this people's heart has grown dull, and with their ears they can barely hear, and their eyes they have closed, lest they should see with their eyes and hear with their ears and understand with their heart and turn, and I would heal them.'

But blessed are your eyes, for they see, and your ears, for they hear.

For truly, I say to you, many prophets and righteous people longed to see what you see, and did not see it, and to hear what you hear, and did not hear it.

Matthew 13:15-17

What can I say?

This morning at church, God wanted me to feel Him again. I know it. Every song was so moving, talking about surrendering our entire life to Him and Him only. With this struggle, it gets oh so challenging to let it go and MOVE ON. But I'm losing so much now because of this stupid eating disorder. And there are just days (like today) when I want to give up, to just let everyone down because I cannot keep up with the masquerade that I'm okay. But...God is telling me to let everything go. For Him. Because He gave everything. For US. We have to let go of our burdens, our sins, our screams, our pain, our sorrows, our past, our regrets, our tears...and give it ALL to Him. And we will then know true humility.

I want to let go. And I know that God is working on me, prying this hideous addiction/disease/whatever you want to call it out of my life. It's hard. And it's painful. And there are many times I feel so alone because no one truly understands how it works. But it's for Him. And it's for the better.

Thanks for listening.
~j

James 4:7
Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.