Thinking.

So I was thinking a little bit during dinner...A little realization of my own self. Actually, not little.

Throughout these months, when I was in day treatment or residential, I would look around at those beautiful, beautiful girls and wonder what on earth in their life could lead them to an eating disorder. I would think that they are too gorgeous to deserve it. Not only were they so pretty, they were such sweet people ready to give support out to others. It hurts my heart to see such beautiful women there wrapped in such an evil thing. 

Then when people would say 'Well, you're in the same boat!' I would immediately react 'Well, no, I'm not. I'm different.'

When I would see a picture of myself with my friends, I always felt like I stuck out, like an ugly duckling. People would say 'This is so cute!' and I would think 'They're obviously being polite and not commenting about me; no one would say that out loud. I'm different.'

Looking back at district, regional and state choir (and eastern regionals to come), people look at Souderton and say 'You guys are AMAZING! And you two that are going to eastern regionals!' I never give myself credit or thank them or anything. I think, 'I have absolutely no idea how I got this far; it's obvious that they made a mistake. I'm different.'

...Even at church, when we talk about God's love, how amazingly perfect it is and how He loves each of us unconditionally no matter what we ever do. And I think 'Except me. I've made so many mistakes in my life, it's utterly impossible that anyone could ever forgive me.'

So...I think I should give myself a little credit. After all, this whole recovery process is about stretching out of my comfort zone right?

Hello. I'm Jenny.

I am beautiful. No matter what size I was or what I am now.

I love to sing, and I am going to the Eastern State Choir Festival because the Lord has blessed me with a voice.

God. Loves. ME. No matter what I have done.

Is this society that fills this in our brain, that we're different in the ugly duckling way? Do others feel this way? Why are we basically force fed information about ourselves by others? 

Thoughts. Got lot of time to think.

~j

VOTD:

We have different gifts, according to the grace given us. If a man's gift is prophesying, let him use it in proportion to his faith. ⁷If it is serving, let him serve; if it is teaching, let him teach; ⁸if it is encouraging, let him encourage; if it is contributing to the needs of others, let him give generously; if it is leadership, let him govern diligently; if it is showing mercy, let him do it cheerfully.

Romans 12:6-8