Just stab me in the heart and twist it, why don't you? I think it would hurt less.

Bizarre.

After LINK crew today, I happened to hear the marching band around the corner. I ran over to the other side of the school to watch. I saw the drum majors conducting. I saw my...their...band directors scanning the field. I heard the music. I heard the low winds, the clarinets, the trumpets. I watched their marching technique. I watched the freshmen. I watched their eyes moving. I watched them wrap up their first song. I watched them huddle together before hurrying inside to avoid the rain. Hannah noticed me and waved. I watched them all talk to each other, laugh and lug in their instruments, water bottles, folders. I stood there until everyone went inside.

I feel like I'm on the outside of this bubble. It's a nice, unfazed bubble. I watch everyone else follow their passion unhindered. I guess God is going to lead me down a different road. As a recent devotional said, I'm clinging on to this penny while God is trying to show me all of the gold He has in store. But for the time being, it's frustrating to be on the outside when I feel like I'm going nowhere.

Dear soon-to-be Freshmen,

Can you...not...go to college? Would you mind just living in my mailbox or something? I would bring you meals and snacks all the time. The mailman wouldn't mind either.

~j

Thinking.

So I was thinking a little bit during dinner...A little realization of my own self. Actually, not little.

Throughout these months, when I was in day treatment or residential, I would look around at those beautiful, beautiful girls and wonder what on earth in their life could lead them to an eating disorder. I would think that they are too gorgeous to deserve it. Not only were they so pretty, they were such sweet people ready to give support out to others. It hurts my heart to see such beautiful women there wrapped in such an evil thing. 

Then when people would say 'Well, you're in the same boat!' I would immediately react 'Well, no, I'm not. I'm different.'

When I would see a picture of myself with my friends, I always felt like I stuck out, like an ugly duckling. People would say 'This is so cute!' and I would think 'They're obviously being polite and not commenting about me; no one would say that out loud. I'm different.'

Looking back at district, regional and state choir (and eastern regionals to come), people look at Souderton and say 'You guys are AMAZING! And you two that are going to eastern regionals!' I never give myself credit or thank them or anything. I think, 'I have absolutely no idea how I got this far; it's obvious that they made a mistake. I'm different.'

...Even at church, when we talk about God's love, how amazingly perfect it is and how He loves each of us unconditionally no matter what we ever do. And I think 'Except me. I've made so many mistakes in my life, it's utterly impossible that anyone could ever forgive me.'

So...I think I should give myself a little credit. After all, this whole recovery process is about stretching out of my comfort zone right?

Hello. I'm Jenny.

I am beautiful. No matter what size I was or what I am now.

I love to sing, and I am going to the Eastern State Choir Festival because the Lord has blessed me with a voice.

God. Loves. ME. No matter what I have done.

Is this society that fills this in our brain, that we're different in the ugly duckling way? Do others feel this way? Why are we basically force fed information about ourselves by others? 

Thoughts. Got lot of time to think.

~j

VOTD:

We have different gifts, according to the grace given us. If a man's gift is prophesying, let him use it in proportion to his faith. ⁷If it is serving, let him serve; if it is teaching, let him teach; ⁸if it is encouraging, let him encourage; if it is contributing to the needs of others, let him give generously; if it is leadership, let him govern diligently; if it is showing mercy, let him do it cheerfully.

Romans 12:6-8

Cause we’re so scared to find out
What this life’s all about
So scared we’re going to lose it
Not knowing all along
That’s exactly what we need

And today I will trust you with the confidence
Of a girl who’s never known defeat
But tomorrow, upon hearing what I did
I will stare at you in disbelief
Oh, inconsistent me
Crying out for consistency

And you said I know that this will hurt
But if I don’t break your heart then things will just get worse
If the burden seems too much to bear
Remember: The end will justify the pain it took to get us there

...And you promise me
That you believe
In time I will defeat this
Cause somewhere in me
There is strength

If it's a broken heart then face it.

Hang on
Help is on the way
Stay strong
I'm doing everything.

VOTD:

Psalm 77

I'm broken.

I have never hated so much of me before.

Trusting God is so difficult, but I KNOW that He will bring me comfort and peace. And that is all I can rely on, really.